Written by Lauren Kemp

Well, DWTS fans, the moment we have waited for is finally here- Season 9 has arrived!  Over the next several weeks, sixteen stars will battle it out for our votes and that coveted mirror ball trophy.  Let’s get right into the action.

Monday night, the first in a three night premiere event (DWTS never goes for overkill), was men’s night.  The male pros opened by jumping and jiving to “The Boys Are Back in Town.”  Their number was energetic and the perfect start to the season, and it’s always nice to see the pros have their own moment in the spotlight.  Hopefully we will get to see the female pros doing their thing Tuesday night.

We were introduced to the massive cast via the normal staircase entrance.  Most stars looked excited to be dancing, while some (Kathy Ireland) looked terrified of tumbling down aforementioned stairs, and others (Macy Gray) looked positively mortified to even be seen on camera.

For the first time in show history, the stars performed two dances on their first night.  DWTS is notorious for introducing various twists and surprises each season, so the introduction of this new opening format should not come as a big surprise.

First to take the stage were pop singer Aaron Carter and his partner Karina Smirnoff.  After seeing a hilarious flashback to Aaron’s preteen years (hello, yellow suit!), we cut to Aaron and Karina’s flirtatious rehearsal footage.  I’m guessing Aaron is one person who is happy about Karina and Maks’s recent split, but what was with his pec-displaying leotard he wore in practice?  Aaron danced the cha cha, and while his posture needed improvement and he frantically flailed all over the place, he gave the dance his all.  Aaron is already a frontrunner, and save for a small stumble at the end of the dance, his performance was powerful.   Len declared him “full of potential,” while Bruno said he was “so sharp, so edgy” but “a little bit all over the place.” Carrie Ann got cougar creepy when recognizing that Aaron is “all grown up,” but she got back on topic when she admitted to seeing “a lot of fire” in his dancing.  Aaron received an impressive 8 from Len and a total score of 22, making him the leader of the night.

Next came UFC fighter Chuck Liddell and Anna Trebunskaya.  These two should be a good match for each other with their intensity and determination.  Chuck was worried about stepping out of his comfort zone, and you could that see he was nervous when he danced the foxtrot.  Showing all of his emotions and mistakes on his face, Chuck looked like the ultimate fish out of water.  Similar to Ty Murray from last season, Chuck is an underdog that you want to root for.  His dancing needs polishing and grace, and Bruno conceded that the number was “very very rough.” Carrie Ann thought that Chuck was “smooth” and “charming,” and Len admitted that the performance was “much better than I thought it was going to be.”  After Anna warned the judges that Chuck “can really hurt people,” he still received a score of 16.

After Chuck and Anna were Mark Dacascos and Lacey Schwimmer.  Mark has a strong martial arts background, and his offbeat sense of humor seems perfectly matched to Lacey.  Cue rehearsal footage of Mark doing splits and other crazy moves- could he potentially be the dark horse of the season?  Lacey planned to incorporate his martial arts techniques into their “Kung Fu Fighting” cha cha.  Mark was a bundle of energy, and his enthusiasm and natural athletic ability should serve him well in the coming weeks.  Gilles Marini cheered him from the audience, as if signifying to us that Mark is the swoon worthy male contestant of Season 9.  Carrie Ann thought that Mark needed to watch his arms, and Len revealed that he is “not a great fan of gimmicks” (shocker!) and that he doesn’t “want to see kung fu in the waltz.”  Bruno was transported back in time to the “Bee Jean Olympic ceremonies” and thought that Mark had talent but needed to watch his timing.  Backstage with Samantha, Mark reflected on his “man boobs” and received a solid 21 for his dance.

Ashley Hamilton and Edyta Sliwinska were the next couple to dance.  Apparently this guy is famous?  Who knew?  Alas, poor Edyta is always condemned to being partnered with the hopeless cases, and this season provides no exception, with even Edyta herself admitting defeat early on: “It didn’t take me long to realize that this was going to be a challenge.”  What an understatement.  Ashley’s footage hinted at his troubled past, and he lamented that “all my past accidents have caught up to me.”  Ashley’s first dance was the foxtrot, and at the beginning, he did not appear that bad.  Just a few beats into the dance though, and the performance went downhill.  Ladies and gentlemen, I think that we have met the first male eliminee.  Len complimented Ashley’s footwork but was not impressed with the overall result.  “To me this was dead,” Bruno declared, eliciting loud boos from the audience.  Carrie Ann agreed with her fellow judges noting that she “didn’t see anything that defined or separated” Ashley from the crowd.  Ashley’s lackluster performance received a 15 from the judges, including a scathing 4 from Bruno.

Later, it was Donny Osmond and “wonder from down under” Kym Johnson’s turn to dance.   Although Donny has been performing ever since he was an embryo, he will be pulling a Susan Lucci this season with a crazy commuting schedule.  Donny’s foxtrot to “All That Jazz” was adequate, but given the fan reaction, you would think that his performance was the greatest debut in Dancing with the Stars history.  Donny shares genes with sister Marie Osmond, so of course there was plenty of maniacal head shaking and body contorting in his number.  Jermaine Jackson joined Marie in the audience to support Donny- might we see a DWTS stint in his future?  Bruno pointed out problems with the hold, and Donny looked like he was ready to lash himself over the criticism.  Judge response got better with Carrie Ann when she pointed out that Donny is “obviously going to be a fan favorite.”  Len, however, thought that the performance was “too theatrical” and wanted more ballroom.  Donny still managed to score an impressive 20, and one can imagine that with his fan support he will manage to stay safe for the weeks to come.

Pro snowboarder Louie Vito and Chelsie Hightower were another couple to dance the foxtrot.  These two seem to have a good rapport, and goshdarnit if they aren’t cute as can be!  Cuteness notwithstanding, Louie gave just an average opening dance, but it’s impossible not to like him.  Giving harsh criticism to Louie would be like kicking a puppy, although I have no doubt that some judge will crush his dreams and ego in a future episode.  Carrie Ann “really enjoyed” the dance, but all Len could focus on was Louie’s moptop hair.  “Oh Louie, it was so cute,” Bruno gushed, but still Louie only managed to garner a 19 for his efforts.

Sixth on the roster were former NFL player Michael Irvin and new pro Anna Demidova.  Michael posted a picture of rival Jerry Rice on his rehearsal room wall and resolved to best the former’s cha cha score of 21.  Michael looks like yet another football player thrilled to be on DWTS (a welcome change from the demeanor of last season’s Lawrence Taylor).  Michael’s cha cha started out with a bang but gradually fizzled out, but he has a magnetic personality and should prove to be a crowd favorite.  Len thought that it “wasn’t a great first dance” and that it needed more content.   Bruno applauded Michael’s “great presence” but also pointed out his poor footwork and timing.  Carrie Ann said that Michael beat Jerry Rice for charisma, but like her fellow judges called out the lack of content in the routine.  Michael told Samantha that he had achieved “success in his own mind,” but the judges handed him a very disappointing score of 13.  Michael’s cha cha was in no way the worst dance of the night, but he handled the judges’ criticisms like a pro.

The last of the group to cha cha were Tom Delay and Cheryl Burke.  Looking like a Keebler elf, Tom held himself to Cheryl’s motto of “train hard, dance harder” because he has always wanted to learn to ballroom dance.  Tom admitted that his biggest fear was that he might embarrass himself, but he looked capable in rehearsals and snazzily coordinated his rehearsal attire with Cheryl’s.  Because the DWTS producers love irony, Tom danced to “Wild Thing.”  Though he mouthed the lyrics out of sync to the actual music and gave a faux sexy/hilarious point and wink to Bruno, the overall performance was just okay- not half-bad, but certainly not ranking in the top half of dances.  Tom’s wife, however, looked thrilled to death in the audience, and  Bruno raved that Tom was “crazier than Sarah Palin!” Carrie Ann was dazed by his “surreal” performance but told Tom that he was “very light on his feet” and “rocking it for the older crowd.” Len thought the actual cha cha content was very good, but did not like the sillier parts of the dance.  Tom claimed to have “bigger critics than those judges” but seemed relatively pleased with his score of 16.  An awkward camera delay ensued before the commercial break.

For the final part of the evening, the males were split into two groups of four for “relay dancing.”  Group #1 included Ashley, Donny, Louie, and Chuck dancing the salsa.  Donny wisecracked that he didn’t think “they’ll let me back in Utah again” after his shimmying, and all of the men seemed to enjoy the upbeat routine in their rehearsals.  When it came time for the actual performance though,  Ashley was again hopelessly lost, but Chuck actually cracked a smile.  Donny looked like he graduated from the Corky Ballas school of crazy facial expressions, and  Louie gave an impressive acrobatic entrance for his part of the dance.  Although the relay dance was billed as a chance to judge the contestants side-by-side, it was more of a successive showcase for each couple.  Carrie Ann thought that Donny smoked the competition, and Len and Bruno agreed.  Len was overly harsh towards Ashley when he declared that he gave a “dance only a father could love.”  Bruno doled out kudos to Donny, Chuck, and Louie, but left Ashley in the dark, who must already realize that he’ll be one of the first dancers to go home.  The relay’s bizarre system of scoring left Ashley in fourth place with two points, Chuck in third with six points, Louie in second with eight points, and Donny in first with ten points.

Group #2, consisting of Aaron, Mark, Tom,  and Mike, performed a Viennese waltz.  “The Viennese waltz is so stiff and uncomfortable, it seems like it would suit Tom Delay better,” suggested Mark.  Oh snap!  The claws are already coming out.  Aaron was the first to dance and was surprisingly graceful but too frenetic in his steps.  Mark looked impossibly tall showing off his good posture, and Tom elicited loud applause for his ballroom but almost dropped Cheryl in their final dance move.  Mike looked incredibly happy and gave a sweet kiss to partner Anna at the end.  Len gave high praise to Mark, and Bruno thought that he had great lines.  Bruno and Carrie Ann told Michael that he improved with the waltz, and all three judges loved Aaron’s performance.  Fourth place went to Tom, third to Michael, second to Mark, and first to Aaron.