Written By Lauren Kemp

Wednesday, September 23 was the first results show of Season 9 of Dancing with the Stars. After four previous hours of premiere footage, ABC was wise to keep this episode to a one hour limit. The night began with the judges selecting Kelly Osbourne and Louis Van Amstel’s Viennese waltz for the season’s first encore dance. Kelly looked way more nervous this time around, but she still pulled off a wonderful performance.

The male stars were the first to face elimination, with Louie Vito and Aaron Carter being declared safe just minutes into the episode. Tom Bergeron and Samantha Harris also announced that the paso doble had been chosen as this season’s design-a-dance style. Voting is now open for song selection.

Special guest Sean Kingston performed “Face Drop” from his new album (when will these singers learn to lip synch better?). His dance crew hit a fashion high for their candy colored ensembles, but their choreography just made me appreciate the DWTS pros all the more.

Viewers were next introduced to the Loser’s Club, an elite roster of DWTS eliminees, including Jeffrey Ross, Penn Jillette, and “Dance Center” fave Kenny Mayne. After the requisite filler segment, it was back to the elimination round. Mark Dacascos was the next celeb announced safe, and following him were Chuck Liddell and Donny Osmond. The spotlights focused intently on the remaining men, and although Ashley Hamilton and Tom DeLay looked accepting of their possible fate, Michael Irvin appeared as if he really wanted to continue in the competition.

Of course, ABC had to plug its new shows, so stars Kelsey Grammer, Patricia Heaton, Courtney Cox (who must have just had a Botox injection), and some random actress from Modern Family were in attendance.

Samantha Harris cornered Louie and Chuck backstage, and like the fantastic interviewer she is, managed to wrestle a dozen words out of each. Chuck revealed that he hadn’t been as nervous as he was in 15-20 years, while Louie hates to wait and was happy to be done with the elimination.

With five men safe until next week, Ashley, Michael, and Tom were left to sweat it out on stage with their partners. All I could think about was poor, poor Edyta, but my sympathy was temporarily displaced when I noticed Cheryl’s over-gelled hairstyle. Although Cheryl’s hair may have been in danger, she and Tom were the next to be declared safe. After a tense moment, Ashley and Edyta learned that they were going home. Ashley made a gracious exit, saying that he was so grateful to be on the show, but Edyta wished they could stay a little longer. To add insult to injury, Ashley had to wait another 30 minutes until he could have his final dance.

Next was the event that would have teenyboppers across the country tuning into DWTS: the premiere of Miley Cyrus’s Party in the USA music video. Maybe I’m just nostalgic for my Backstreet Boys days, but to me, booty shorts, cleavage, and a 35-year-old’s smoker voice do not a pop star make. Papa Cyrus must be so proud.

Soon it was the women’s turn to face elimination. The first two safe were Natalie Coughlin and Mya. In the background, Debi Mazar looked like she was going to have a stroke from her furious frowning.

Because one filler isn’t enough, Adam Corolla visited the male celebs for a pep talk. Streaking by on his infamous unicycle, Adam reminded the fellows that the last time a man won on the show, Bruno was in a closet. Corolla had a faceoff with Donny Osmond after the entertainer accused Corolla of only achieving eighth place in his season. Adam asserted his “Seventh Runner Up” status and poked fun at Donny’s age before alleging that Tom DeLay had it easy because “dancing comes natural” to “white, middle aged republicans.”

The Broadway cast of The Lion King performed “Circle of Life” for an appreciative crowd (as far as Macy’s Stars of Dance numbers go, this one was pretty decent). Animated or not, Rafiki continues to creep me out, and she didn’t help matters by dangling a big-headed Simba mannequin over a railing. Put that cub down! I also didn’t like that this Rafiki managed to mangle the “pink pajamas, penguins on the bottom” lyric into something that sounded legitimately Swahili. Fail. The crowd went wild for the puppets though, something they didn’t seem to do for Sean Kingston or Miley. Behold the power of Disney.

It was back to business after a commercial break, when Melissa and Mark, Joanna and Derek, and Debi and Maks were the next three couples announced safe. Jonathan Roberts looked like he was going to vomit, probably knowing full well that he, like Edyta Sliwinska and Tony Dovolani, is a card carrying member of the “Pros with Cursed Partners/Chances Club.” Backstage, Natalie Coughlin admitted to being nauseous, and Mya said that competing against the guys next week will be intimidating.

Next was the much-publicized tribute to Patrick Swayze. Dmitry Chaplin and Chelsie Hightower danced to “She’s Like the Wind” and were followed by Jonathan Roberts and Anna Trebunskaya’s Viennese Waltz set to “Unchained Melody.” Cheryl Burke and Tony channeled Dirty Dancing with their number, Tony even going so far as to copy Swayze’s costume from the movie. Louie Van Amstel and Anna Demidova joined the entire group for “Time of My Life.” The tribute concluded with Tony and Cheryl reenacting the DD iconic lift and Tony blowing a kiss to heaven.

There were many tears after the Swayze tribute, but when the show cut back to elimination, Macy Gray’s face was devoid of any emotion. I really wonder what type of medication she is on because the woman seemed not to have a clue that she was actually on Dancing. Kelly Osbourne was declared safe, with Macy finally being announced as the second eliminated star of the night.

Samantha claimed Macy threw herself wholeheartedly into the competition (wonder if she was going for laughs with that one?) while Tom wished that he could hear what Macy would have had to say next week. Jonathan, like Samantha, went the ironic route by saying that he loved seeing Macy’s transformation into a ballroom dancer. Jonathan and Samantha must have borrowed what Macy was smoking because delusion was the theme of that segment. Before the credits rolled, Ashley and Macy were permitted their final dance. Instead, the two just stood on stage while Edyta and Jonathan tried in vain to get them to move the littlest bit.

I’m not at all surprised by the eliminations tonight, but what do you think? In my opinion, Kathy Ireland and Tom DeLay have to step up their game if they want to stay past week 2. What are your predictions, readers?